September 6, 2017

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September 6, 2017

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27 things cats can get away with doing but people can’t

September 6, 2017

27 things cats can get away with but we can't


Need proof that cats are secretly the rulers of the world?

Don’t look at their seriously dismissive looks in your direction, or their magical ability to always land on their feet. Just look at all the bloody ridiculous things they’re allowed to do that we, us humans, are unable to copy.


Look at who’s really on top here. Look at all the sh*t cats can get away with. They’re in charge. We are powerless. Bow down to our rulers, the cats.


As evidence of this undeniable truth, here are 27 things they can get away with that we definitely aren’t allowed to do.




1. Casually sitting on someone’s laptop when they’re working
Turns out freelancers in Starbucks do NOT appreciate you taking a seat on their keyboard mid-type. Who knew?


2. Headbutting people as a sign of affection
I think this is adorable. The loved ones telling me to ‘stop that’ clearly do not.


3. Begging for affection then viciously clawing people when they give it
This will quickly earn you a reputation as someone who ‘runs a bit hot and cold’ or is ‘not great at dating’. Whatever.


4. Pooping in a box and making someone else clean it up for us
Not that we want to do this one. It’s just another way cats display their dominance.


5. Skipping the delicious tap and bottled water you’re offered so you can drink dirty puddle water instead
Makes sense.


6. Frantically running up and downstairs for an hour at around 3pm every day
Can I live?


7. Giving people dead mice and other small animals as a way to show your love
I’m sorry, do you not appreciate this lovely gift that I caught with my bare hands (even if the experts say that it’s not actually love they’re showing)?


8. Coughing up hairballs and then just leaving them on the floor
I’m not sure I want to live in a world that doesn’t allow me to puke on the floor and do nothing to clean it up.


9. Ignoring thoughtful presents and getting excited about the boxes instead
No, I have not ‘ruined Christmas’ or ‘been totally unappreciative’. I’m just taking joy in the simple things, like this box. You know, instead of that iPad you gave me.


10. Playing with tiny sticks with feathers attached
Sometimes the mood just strikes.


11. Getting high on catnip and rolling around on the carpet
Not acceptable behaviour in the office, apparently.



12. Licking yourself clean
Fine when you’ve dropped a tiny bit of chocolate on yourself, not cool when you’re licking yourself from wrist to shoulder. For some reason.


13. Licking your friends clean
It’s just another way to show your love.


14. Purring to show approval
What do you MEAN this is an inappropriate way to discuss things in meetings? I’m saying your idea is good. God. Back off.



15.  Napping for 80% of the day
This is deeply unfair.


16. Waiting by doors and making loud noises until someone lets you outside
Sure, I could open this myself. But why would I do that when you’ll do it for me?


17. Then refusing to go outside
Actually, no. I changed my mind. Indoors is nice.


18. Rolling onto your back to demand people rub your tummy
AKA my go-to first date move.


19. Tapping anything resting on a surface so it crashes to the ground
Taking joy in mindless destruction: fine for cats, psychopathic for humans.

20. Demanding that someone delivers food into a bowl for you every day, and loudly complaining when they’re a few minutes late
How DARE they.


21. Adorably sitting on someone so they’re unable to get up and get on with their day
No, no. Don’t worry about getting yourself a cup of tea or going for work. I would like some attention, and I am important.


22. Following friends into the bathroom to watch them pee or take a bath
Again, not that we want to do this. It just seems unfair that cats are allowed to do this and we’re not.


23. Constantly invading people’s personal space
If you don’t want me to climb on your head just say something. It’s fine. I won’t be deeply, personally offended.


24. Kneading people with your paws to show how much you adore them


25. Carefully finding warm places around the house to pee
Like behind the TV, or under the sofa. For peeing.


26. Remaining blissfully unaware of all of life’s various responsibilities and injustices


27. And of course, unrolling all the toilet paper for the lols
It seems fun. But we’ll never know. Because we’re not allowed.



Article by Ellen Scott for

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